Avoiding Toxic People

I just heard a country song that made me two step with myself while crying my eyes out. The song is about what love isn't. And while it accurately describes what love isn't... I had to dig deeper after the song was over. I had to get real with myself and dig for answers and use those answers to guard my heart with so that the rest of my journey isn't as painful as it has been so far. I hope this inspires and encourages you to weed out what is not love in your life. So, even if you are not a believer, I encourage you to hang in there and keep reading. I will be referencing the Bible because when I was reading God's Word daily, and applying it to my life... I was more than thriving. I can say I was only doing that for about 2 and a half years. And for that 2 and a half years... I was peaceful, and had a joy I can't explain even when things got hard. I have pinpointed the exact moment that I was thrown off. I let one little thing inside my door, and slowly this corrosion just took over. And I was back in this darkness. Galatians 5:7 " You were running so well. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth." This word "obey" sounds so hindering to one's freedom but if you look at the root of the word... and it's deeper meaning, you will find the word allegiance. And if you look at the word allegiance... you will find the word faith. I hope that whatever you pledge allegiance to or put your faith in, keeps you safe and makes you know that you are loved. 

     

I was running a very good race. I was in a ministry and was guiding and helping other's who wanted to run the same race I was running. These were people like me, they knew they needed help outside

of themselves and had the capacity to search beyond the borders this world has to offer. They like me, realized that their co-dependent or even narcissistic tendencies were not only hurting themselves but... worse... were hurting other people. I was living free and wanted others to live free too and wanted to just let God use me to sort of create this avalanche where love just came pouring out on people. And to create an army to rise up against hate. But, hate saw that I felt lonely and I wasn't used to Love. So, I latched on to a familiar feeling... which was someone hurting me, and that was that. I have studied information on "trauma bonding" and that is what I was used to. The trauma bonding is a "lie that looks like love" but it's a push and pull that draws you in because you saw a glimpse of what looked like love and it makes you attach yourself to a person because you keep trying to find that little glimmer of light that you saw... and that's what happened. "And no wonder, even satan can disguise himself as an angel of light." 2 Corinthians 11:14 

I was pulled in by my flesh and though it only lasted 3 weeks, and I didn't sleep with the guy... everything else was broken. He was family to people who ran the ministry and I knew that once I broke it off things would crash but, I had to do it. He texted and called from different numbers using an app, threatening suicide and saying things that cut me deep. I broke down after that. The women who had been like a family to me fell away. He literally came out of nowhere. I had no idea that he had been working at a casino and heavy into drugs, before he came around all of a sudden out of literally nowhere for the 3 years I was with these people. And I lost out because he was their blood family. I was so hurt after the shock wore off that I ripped a frame off of my wall and smashed it. And when the cross inside didn't break... I smashed it to bits. And hid out for a while in my misery.

Ohhhhh, I didn't stop there though. Nope. I got on some dating websites and warnings be danged... I was going to do what I wanted with my free will from then on. Boy, did I show God or what??? LOL...

SMH...

I don't do things half way, y'all. When I mess up, I make sure and do it right all the way. Go big or go home! I met a guy who swept me off of my feet with words. I didn't wait to see if his actions would match the words I was loving so much. I knew he was smooth but I was going full force in rebellion against my Father. Like a naive child that follows a stranger they don't know somewhere unsafe. And follow a stranger I did, and those dumb decisions lead to despair, and more abuse. More soul damaging than EVER before. And I think it's because I actually gave myself in marriage this time, fully knowing what love was and what it wasn't. Listen, it's not wrong to want to feel that love in a marriage at all or even to be married... it's in God's design for man to not be alone. It is wrong, however... when you go into it, in rebellion against God... and red flags are slapping you in the face and you just ignore them. Or in my case and belief... warnings from the Holy Spirit about what sort of man this was.

From the beginning, I knew women were objects to this stranger. I even called him out on it and almost stopped talking to him. He was heavy into porn and when I told him how I felt about it he said he would stop " if I helped him.". My gut said to call it off.  But, I followed my flesh and picked up again because he was showing me kindness and doing/saying everything I wanted to hear and see. Before I married him... I told him things that I did not tolerate. From there it seemed that every vulnerability I divulged seemed to start popping up. Things he had control over. I would get triggered and have an emotional allergy to things I ALREADY told him about that he swore to me would not be a problem. But they became a weekly problem. And he created the chaos and then played savior to fix it. Trauma Bonding. And the insidious thing about it is, they get to use that you are just sensitive or a prude because most people accept the things that I couldn't. And the psychological abuse referred to as gas lighting started and things got even worse.

About a month after marriage I was choked, slapped, ( note that this was in the bedroom ) verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abused, and then I left... and was sucked back in only to be choked and slapped harder this time even after I told him never to do it again. Which I am learning is not only still physical abuse dressed up as sexual preference, but is also sexual abuse because he crossed clear boundaries that I set before going back. All abuse is Psychological and the bad thing is, this guy is very smart and I gave him so much information about my past trauma. And he used these things to bond me to him. I don't think he even realizes he is that manipulative. Which is a problem in it's own right because it's a learned behavior and he does not care to self reflect enough to change.  

If you're anything like me... you think that the person will change behaviors that hurt other's. Because that's what healthy human beings do. Sooooooo... after you already left for a week and went back for 5 months only to get hurt worse...you leave for two months... you let them back in your life for two weeks... ( I just became very proud of myself for not going back the 3rd time and instead let him back in from 4 hours away and a whole different state) to hurt you again...because you saw a little glimmer of light... so you got pulled in....AGAIN... to get pushed... and pulled and pushed again. And when you try to get them, for one last time**** to understand how you felt**** by not telling them how something felt**** but by making them put themselves in your shoes like a therapist because that's what you think you are to them that need such explaining on how to treat people**** they get mad and say you're twisted for making them guess. No, they're mad that they didn't get detailed information of the pain and anxiety you went through for once. And you're realizing just like sexually it's gratifying for them to watch you writhe in pain... it's also satisfying to watch you go through emotional pain as well. Because they know when they say they're sorry... you will believe them and you bond closer through that trauma and everything is calm again until they create more and the cycle repeats itself. It is sick. 

Then when you end it... they within one minute say these exact words...

" But I'm the one who likes to kick dogs" " I hope no other dogs fall in love with you" " You reeled me back in and said you loved me" " And I was foolish enough to believe you" "No, it's all me you're absolutely perfect." I am a fool" " You are a Goddess".

And you're just sitting there in awe at how someone could take something you said from a deep place of pain... " I feel like a kicked puppy that gets kicked and comes back when the owner calls it only to kick it again" when you were describing him and others who have done this. You're just staring at the words being twisted around on you. And the "splitting" (look it up it's a thing) of what and who you are within a literal minute. And you just decide... hopefully... that no matter how much this hurts and will hurt... it has to stop. You have to get exhausted. Are you yet? God, I am. Exhausted enough to change it, once and for all. . John 5:1-18

Say to yourself... I have to pull myself up out of this victim mentality, or I am going to drown in it.

Or worse, be "saved" by the type of person who will push other's in the deep end when they can't swim so they can pull them out and say "look, look, I saved him/her. Poor little crazy "so and so" needed my help and I gave it to him/her." Then they will look at the person they hurt, astonished and offended when that person has the audacity to point out that the "savior" is the one who pushed the victim in, in the first place. They will walk off with more than half of the people who claim to love the victim, laughing and sneering at the crazy girl/guy who is dripping wet and seething with anger. Which will only add to the story that the psychopath/narcissist/sociopath=toxic person will be spinning for them. And you'll be standing there wondering how they didn't see the person push you in, and you will be standing there for a lifetime if you don't stop expecting other's to see the wrong that took place. You will be waiting for someone to come along and help move you from that place.  You will be standing there at 39 years old trying to make the person who did that love you, value you, and accept you. And you will attach yourself to the same type of person over and over again to get it right so you can move. If you want help... you better stop feeling sorry for yourself, get up, and do the work. Stop waiting for any person to love you and value you enough to help you through your trauma.  Love yourself.  Again, John 5:1-18

My pain is connected from childhood to a person I loved who never loved me and still to this day doesn't love me.  All I ever wanted was to be this person's friend and be loved by them. And they just wouldn't. I am under the belief that they are capable of it and just withhold. But, maybe I am wrong? I am not in any way able to diagnose them but, a narcissist is capable because they "lack empathy" they aren't devoid of it. A sociopath/psychopath... does not have any empathy at all. I think it's worse to love a narc because they are withholding something they "could" give if they truly died to their selves and did what was necessary to heal from their wounds so they could stop loathing themselves enough to self love and love others. But, they just don't care.  They thrive on and pride themselves on their ability to be so cutthroat, mean spirited, etc. Pay attention... it's more simple than all the Narc research you can do to just realize that they only care about themselves. Which means, they will be nice when it suits them and mean when they want even when it hurts others. They don't give a crap and often think it's funny. And they think you are weak for being nice or kindhearted. But they are drawn to you. They are envious and when people are envious...they want what you have. That doesn't mean they're going to use it... it's not like wanting a house or a car...  they just want what you have just to take it from you and make you out to be just like them.

But, why??? If I had a dollar for every time I have asked myself this question... I would be a Billionaire. Lol. But, seriously though... keep in mind that the search for the why is what locks you in to them. It's the same sort of push and pull that keeps you in bondage to them. I am not saying don't educate yourself. Lord knows I have done a ton of research but the reasons for each individual narcissist are as different as they are the same. There may be different reasons for what they do but it all boils down to that they only care about  themselves. Jude 1:12-13 describes the sort of people that you need to stay away from. These are the sort of people who do not have any desire for change. It says in Jude that they are hidden among you, they don't have any fear. This can be any sort of fear if you think about it. I have heard that psychopaths do not have the capacity to fear at all... even scary situations. But, who knows... who cares?  Fear is also described in the Greek as" reverence"... which is a deep respect...  which none of them narc/psychopath/sociopath, etc... have either because they can't or don't want. In Jude this person is described as "caring for themselves" and it says they are reserved for darkness. Like.... Dang... do you really need any more info than that?  I strongly believe that the ones who don't change or won't change really do have these spiritual tables they all sit at together. You can get to know and after a time see the darkness that surrounds their soul and their life. If you look all that up you will find that it is talking about misery and spiritual darkness. I felt like I needed a shower after studying that. Gross. The main thing is focusing on YOU and not them. Heal and then avoid these people. ( We are going to figure out how to "avoid" them in my next blog. but hey...psssttttt avoid in the greek means obviously to obviate... lol... which means to prevent or forestall and it also means to shun... prevent... obstruct... ok... I am just super stubborn so, I need this. lol, sorry... carry on)

2 Timothy 3 is a must read. It gives you a list and in the list, Paul says " Avoid such people as these." 

If you're like me, you just want love. You want to give love and you want that love reciprocated. The toxic person who hasn't healed doesn't know what true love is. To them the word love means you are to put up with whatever they dole out and keep giving to them. And the only time you get something in return is when they are trying to get what they want. For example, sex... you not to leave after they've abused you, attention, adoration, etc. 2 Timothy 3 describes this abuser and that they creep into the homes of the weak willed.  I want to address a word I just used. I am into not altering meanings of words. (As you can tell, I am super into meaning... not just the meaning of words... I just love the truth and digging deep all the way to the root helps you find the truth)  I think words are important and POWERFUL and can heal when used correctly, accurately, and truthfully. Let's look then at this word so we can start a journey together to figure out what love is not.

I don't like the world's dictionary... so for the most part, we are going to dig deep from Strong's Concordance in most everything I write because I believe we have taken meanings of words and made them either too spicy or too bland. We have become desensitized to the true meaning of abuse. This word has been made so bold and spicy that it loses it's flavor. It covers up the actual dish. Abuse is one of those words that the world avoids and associates with over the top evil behavior. Over the top evil behavior IS abuse...don't get what I am saying wrong, but abuse can be missed if we don't look at the more subtle or even widely accepted behaviors. And people get away with abuse because it's had a bolder label put over the top of the original label. Let's peel that away so that we can know the truth. Remember that our goal here is to learn what love is not and I would not use the word abuse because it offended my ex so much. But, the truth is offensive to people who only care about themselves and how they look. IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO WATCH SOMEONE'S REACTION TO YOU CALLING OUT THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. PAY ATTENTION, PEOPLE!!! IF THEY GET OFFENDED STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. 2 Corinthians 7:10 " Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret... but worldly sorrow brings death."  

Now, lets look at the word abuse... 

ABUSE in any form is not love. I want to address the less obvious forms of abuse. Here goes. 

loidoreó: to abuse, revile

Original Word: λοιδορέω

Part of Speech: Verb

Transliteration: loidoreó

Phonetic Spelling: (loy-dor-eh'-o)

Definition: to abuse, revile

Usage: I revile a person to his'' face, abuse insultingly.

HELPS Word-studies

3058 loidoréō(from 3060 /loídoros, "a reviler") – properly, to say harsh things (make verbal assaults); to revile; to spue bitter (tasteless) statements, using mean-spirited, insulting words to demoralize (humiliate).

I find it interesting that when you look up the word abuse in it's most original form... it is talking about verbal abuse. It is so validating to know that when someone is humiliating you, saying harsh things to you and being mean spirited that you are NOT being too sensitive. Your feelings are right on. This isn't love. It's hate. Hate is another word that has been given too much flavor. And since that word is so bold, abusers can say they aren't administering hate on you. They tell you they love you and don't hate you but, they're lying to themselves and to you. They don't know what either of those words mean. If you look up hate in greek, you will see "esteem less" and literally... "love less". So, then you go look up esteem and love... and you find that the person who is treating you in this way as a pattern of behavior, does not respect you or love you like they should. They love you "less" than they should... they hold "less" esteem for you than they should... they don't value you, love. They just don't. 

It's important to note that everyone is guilty of abuse towards another person. Abuse is abuse whether it's one time or a thousand times. If you hurt someone by not loving them the way you should, you should repent... which means to turn away from, and either love that person the way they deserve or remove yourself from them so that you don't repeat the behavior and hurt them further. If you're the kind Jude describes... you won't care that you hurt them. And you suck out the goodness in this world and you suck. But if you care and you have a self control problem... remove yourself... even if it's just for a time so that you can figure out why you treat people with harshness, or humiliate them, or are just mean spirited. If you are the perpetrator and you're reading this and there is a shred of hope for you to change, I hope you get over yourself and take the time for self criticism enough to change. If you found yourself offended and find that you can't get over yourself enough to change... you are choosing to be selfish and continue hurting others and you will be your own downfall eventually.   2 Peter 2:19... "For by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved." 

If you are reading this and you have pulled yourself out or want to pull yourself out of your own toxic behavior, or out and away from someone else's... I hope that you read all the good stuff to help you know what love isn't. The good stuff is in the bible whether you believe in God or not. I hope you avoid abusive people. We really don't need to know what those abusive people are called by the world's definition. Science is ever changing and there are different opinions on personality disorders and things. I like to research but, I am learning that all I really need to know is what to avoid. And anything that isn't rooted in love I don't want in my life any longer.

Also, if you are researching for answers remember that your focus needs to be on healing you. So, I urge you to study the Bible verses that I shared and look deeper at meanings of the words in the verses. 2nd Timothy 3 has that list of people to avoid and it says reviler which came from the word we looked up "revile" or "abuse". Look the other words up and see if you aren't amazed and satisfied with some answers you have been searching for. 

I hope you pick yourself up and free yourself. You deserve to be free and loved.

Stay Free,

Amanda Freeborn